hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
