can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
