Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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