I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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