It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
