I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we're so committed to being not committed
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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