I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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