look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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