My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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