You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
