She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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