I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize