I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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