my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
