i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Success! We fucked roommates!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
