Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
