I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
