I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
