Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
