I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
