im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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