I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
