btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
