Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
