So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I checked into jail on foursquare
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
