I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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