ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm passing your future prison.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
