Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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