He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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