I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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