LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
