I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
