So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
