im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
