So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Panties = found
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
