i already hear my dad disowning me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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