even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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