I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
