watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
