I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
