I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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