I skipped work to stalk him.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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