so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
