11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize