he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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