I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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