Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
