did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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