I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
