I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
