Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
