If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
