peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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