You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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