if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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