she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
