His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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