So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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