I am puke
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
