hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
