is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
